Karen (estherchaya) wrote,
Karen
estherchaya

Time Passes

Yesterday evening, Seth went to shul to say Kaddish (the mourner's prayer) for his father at Mincha (the afternoon prayer service). At Ma'ariv (the evening service, which follows Mincha), Seth was no longer obligated to say Kaddish (though he'll still say it on the yarzheit, of course). Eleven months have passed since his father died last summer. Eleven months ago I was about to go on full bed rest trying to keep contractions at bay, trying to keep my shortening cervix from giving out. Eleven months ago I wasn't sure whether all three of my babies would make it into the world, let alone healthy and thriving. Eleven months ago, we didn't know that my father in law would never meet his grandchildren. Eleven months ago I didn't realize how quickly time would pass.

A month later, I was in the hospital afraid I was in labor all too soon. Later that day, I was getting my terbutaline pump set up, and I was helping my husband register the news that his father had died. It was one of the worst days of our lives, but thankfully, those babies stayed inside that day, and many days after.

Eleven months my husband has been saying Kaddish, and now he is done. It's hard to believe.

Meanwhile, Leah inspired me yesterday, though I'm not sure whether she intended to. But she made me realize that my I've been feeling overwhelmed by the simple act of making Shabbos dinner, and it's been intimidating me more than it should. So tonight, in honor of the fact that my husband is no longer saying Kaddish, we are having guests for Shabbos dinner. And last night I made baked gefilte fish, chicken, broccoli kugel, and sauteed summer squash. When I get home from work this afternoon, I'll make rice, tomato salad, and green salad and it will be a lovely Shabbos meal. Maybe not *quite* up to my former standard, but you know? I didn't used to be the mother of triplets plus one, so sometimes our standards have to evolve, right?

Time passes and life moves on. Eleven months ago I had no idea how happy I could be today. I had no idea how full my life would be and how capable I would feel.
Tags: life moves on around me
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