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Julian - Denouement - Karen's Musings
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estherchaya
estherchaya
Julian - Denouement
Friends,
This will be the last update you'll receive regarding Julian's status.  As many of you know, our legal guardianship was terminated as of June 7th, 2011.  Seth and I agreed to this despite Sarah having failed to meet all of the stipulations of our prior consent order as we felt that a prolonged battle with Sarah was not in Julian's best interests and it was certainly not in the best interests of our other children.  At that time, Sarah was still bringing Julian to see his therapist, Dr. G, and his developmental pediatrician, Dr. S., and had plans to establish an IEP with Frederick County schools where she plans to send him in the Fall.  So although it wasn't the best case scenario we had hoped for, it was a workable solution for Julian.  Sarah had agreed to a continued relationship between Julian and us - she agreed to us continuing to having Julian every other weekend, Thursday through Monday for the foreseeable future.
 
Within a week or two of the termination of our guardianship, it came to light that Sarah was no longer making any effort to take him to see his therapist, Dr. G. 
 
She has also ceased pursuing getting an IEP set up in advance of his start date at school and will not seek the assistance of an educational consultant.  She has full faith and confidence in the Frederick Schools and knows he will do well there without having the IEP.
 
Finally, earlier this week, we were told that she is no longer taking him to see Dr. S.  She has found another "developmental" pediatrician in Frederick.  I put "developmental" in quotation marks because Dr. S. has never heard of him and believes that he is a general pediatrician who is willing to supervise Julian's medications.  However, Julian is on a complicated regimen of five different medications which took three years to figure out including a series of consults with a specialist at NIH.  He should be followed either by a developmental pediatrician or a child psychiatrist.  Sarah has no desire to transfer records or notes from Dr. S. to the new doctor, so it is my belief that she does not intend to continue his medication therapy over the long term.
 
Yesterday Seth and I were told that we will no longer be permitted to have Julian overnight.  Although we were supposed to have him this weekend, starting last night, we may not have him.  We may instead, if we wish, see him this Sunday during the day. 
 
Truthfully, Seth and I had already decided as a family that we could not continue a long-term relationship with Sarah and Julian as it has become detrimental to the health and well being of our other children and to our family as a whole.  Julian's behaviour has deteriorated rapidly since the transition to Sarah's home, his coping mechanisms are minimal, her interference is maximal, her unwillingness to communicate is astounding.  We have two other special needs children, including an autistic son who needs to be priority 1 right now, per his therapists and Dan S.  So we were already planning to ease off on frequency of visits over the course of the summer, but we had not expected an abrupt end to them without any notice.
 
I expect that there will be another abrupt end to even our Sundays with him, and I anticipate the possibility that this Sunday may be the final time that we see him.
 
I tell each of you this end to this long journey not because there's anything to be done about it, but because each of you played a role in Julian's life, or in ours, through this journey, and we feel you deserve to hear the closing act.  Time heals many things, and although in my heart Julian will always be my son, I have four other children to focus on now who need me more than ever as they adjust to the new paradigm of our family life.  I want to thank each of you for the help that you offered at the times that we needed it.  I'm sorry that we weren't able to maintain a level of civility and collaboration with Sarah over the years with Julian as we had envisioned, but I believe that requires a level of maturity, self-awareness, and selflessness that she does not yet possess.  Perhaps she'll grow into that someday.  I hope so, for the sake of her children.  (yes, I said childREN....she's pregnant, expecting another baby in September).
 
We don't regret bringing Julian into our lives - he opened our hearts and our minds to so much and will forever be our first son.  It will take time to adjust to this loss and our family will never be the same without him.  But it is time to move forward and focus on the rest of our children.
 
With much love, and some hope,
Seth, Karen, Sam, Abby, Ellie, & Tobie

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Comments
From: morganminstrel Date: June 24th, 2011 05:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry. :-( Julian was a very lucky kid for all the time you had him; you guys have been great parents to him.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. We were very lucky to have had him in our lives.
yeishlitikvah From: yeishlitikvah Date: June 24th, 2011 06:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Karen, I am soo sorry. I hope in the long run the choice she has made are best for Julian. In the short term, it doesn't appear that way.

I will keep your whole family in my thoughts and prayers. Few people are able as your family has been to open your hearts and home to another child, and raise them as your own.

And while he may not be in your home, overnite or on Sunday, he will always be your child.

HUGS.. I'm crying for you. My heartbreaks for your family.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I hope some day she wakes up and recognizes that he really does need a solid support structure, and I hope that she does it before it's too late.

He was here for the day and it was a lovely visit - the best we've had in a long time, so it ended things on a good note. I don't know if we'll see him again, but at least if we don't we won't have left things with a sour taste in our memories.
yeishlitikvah From: yeishlitikvah Date: June 27th, 2011 03:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Only time will tell, if she realizes that. I wouldn't be suprised if she 'suddenly' yanks him off the medication cocktail, but that's the vibe I get in her attempts to have control over the situation.

I'm glad to hear your time today was positive. So unfortunately, if nothing else you do have that to hold on and bring forward with you.
jadesymb From: jadesymb Date: June 24th, 2011 06:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
**hugs**
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks.
xiphias From: xiphias Date: June 24th, 2011 06:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
. . . wow. I'm sorry.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. Me too.
mscongeniality From: mscongeniality Date: June 24th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wish I could say that I didn't see this coming. That said, this is still a sad day, not only for you but for all the people who know Julian.

I hope for his sake that his mother does well by him. I hope, for yours, that when he is old enough to make his own decisions, you will hear from him and have him in your life again someday.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope so too, on all counts.
magid From: magid Date: June 24th, 2011 07:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Keeping you in my thoughts, hoping the best for Julian, and for the rest of your family.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you.
osewalrus From: osewalrus Date: June 24th, 2011 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am so sorry.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you.
cleobatya From: cleobatya Date: June 24th, 2011 10:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry for all of you....
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you.
eyelid From: eyelid Date: June 24th, 2011 10:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry it all went this way.

But I'm really glad you have four other children to focus on to help you get through this.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. I'm sorry, too.
cellio From: cellio Date: June 24th, 2011 10:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
What a sad development for such a great kid and such great parents who did so much for him! I hope his mother wakes up about his needs. I'm so sorry.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope so too.
jeannegrrl From: jeannegrrl Date: June 25th, 2011 02:48 am (UTC) (Link)
My words feel so inadequate Karen. Sometimes even the right decision feels shitty. I'm just so sorry for this painful part of the journey you all are experiencing...
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks, Jeanne. By the way... what's your email address? The address I had for you (that I sent this email to) bounced back to me.
fheyd From: fheyd Date: June 25th, 2011 04:17 am (UTC) (Link)
i don't pray much, but i'll pray for you guys.this is nothing but terrible situation, i can't fathom it, and help from all possible angles is a good thing. you've done all the right things though, know that.

love you guys!

*HUGS*
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, this means so much to me. I love you too.
lynsaurus From: lynsaurus Date: June 25th, 2011 04:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hugs.
lynsaurus From: lynsaurus Date: June 25th, 2011 04:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I should add ... your family is always in my prayers. I wish I could say something to ease the heartbreak. I hope hearing from your friends helps you feel less alone.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:18 am (UTC) (Link)
thank you - hearing from our friends does help. It doesn't change the reality, but it does help to know that we've got love and support from those around us.
netiimvzaviyos From: netiimvzaviyos Date: June 26th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
How terrible. How painful. You don't deserve this, and neither does Julian. I am so sorry.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:17 am (UTC) (Link)
I guess in the back of my mind it's something I've always expected - but Julian doesn't deserve it to have happened this way - not with every piece of his support structure systematically stripped away. That's the hardest part for me. Sigh. I just hope he's okay in the end.
(Deleted comment)
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I'm so glad you're back.
hopeness From: hopeness Date: June 26th, 2011 10:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am very sorry that things ended how they have. You handle it all with such grace and write about it with such eloquence. Thinking of you and yours, as always.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I feel neither graceful nor eloquent. I feel clumsy and flailing for words. But we have to stay focused on the blessings we have - and there are many.
kalki From: kalki Date: June 27th, 2011 01:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Ever since we talked last week, I cannot stop thinking about you and Julian and it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF SO MUCH. She came and took YOUR (oh yeah, I went there) child and now she's ruining everyone's life. I hate the bitch and I just hope that Julian gets what he needs someday.

I love you so much hon and I'm praying.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: June 27th, 2011 02:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks, hon. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I actually... I'm not ... how do I put this? I don't resent her for taking Julian away. I get that. understand why she wanted him back. I resent her for not appropriately addressing his needs. For failing to act like an adult through all of this. For not being mature enough to work collaboratively with us.

Sigh.
From: sivielanaw Date: November 3rd, 2011 09:54 am (UTC) (Link)
great post as usual!

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