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Time In: The Zen of Parenting - Karen's Musings
Random Rambling
estherchaya
estherchaya
Time In: The Zen of Parenting

We're taking a class entitled "Parenting the Challenging Child," that is being taught by our developmental pediatrician.  It's interesting, actually, because many of the techniques and philosophies being presented in the class are things that he has already presented to us in our appointments with him, but now we are seeing them presented in a much more methodical manner, rather than in the more bandaid-approach we've been getting. 

One of the key philosophies of the course is that techniques like "time-out" and ignoring undesireable behaviors only work effectively if it is time-out from positive attention.  So before adding the negative, reactive strategies to our parenting toolkit, so to speak, we are building our strategies for positive, proactive strategies.  Last week, we talked about the importance of "Time In." 

Time in is much what it sounds like - in many ways it's the opposite of a time out.  It is time spent with your child, but it's more than that.  It's not just ANY time spent with your child.  There are rules, you see.  Time in isn't an opportunity to teach.  It's not a time to discipline.  It's not a time to be a parent, per se.  It's a time to let your child BE a child, and for you to spend time with your child BEING that child.  You don't answer the phone, you don't do dishes or make dinner in the kitchen while you're half-paying attention to what your child is doing in the other room.  You don't ask any questions, you don't give any instructions.  Unless your child tries to do something truly dangerous like lighting the cat on fire, you don't issue any reprimands.  This time (15-30 minutes a day, ideally) is completely child-led play time.  You should try to see the world through your child's eyes for this brief period of time.  Instead of asking questions about what your child is doing, you should comment on, or narrate, what your child is doing, give lots of positive praise, and play along, or take directions from your child, but really let your child lead the way.  Your child should be the one to decide what happens during this time, you shouldn't be the one dictating any of the activities or the nature of the play.  Like I said, hard as it may be, this is not a time for teaching moments, or for interrogations (no questions!!  This is the hardest part!), or for reprimands.  Make sure that you've got a child-safe and child-friendly environment where your child is free to act like a child free from admonishments to not touch that, or not go there, or not do that, or whatnot. 

Get the idea?

This wasn't my first introduction to the concept of Time In.  Several books discuss the concept; most recently when I read Russell Barkely's "Taking Charge of ADHD" I was reminded that we should be practicing the art of Time In.  Dr. S. had emphasized the importance of Time In during our office visits.  But I'm not good at Time In.  I'm okay with generally spending time with my kids.  But this specific kind of Time In technique?  Not my strong suit.  Seth?  Seth is great at it.  He's a natural at this kind of Zen Parenting where you can just let your kid be a kid and let all the parenting instincts and teaching moments and reprimands go.  Seth gets in the moment and crawls around on the floor and builds legos and wrestles and lets J lead the way.  Me?  If you take away my questions, my teaching moments, my ability to lead in any way... I get tense.  There's no Zen of Parenting in Time In for me.  So the whole Time In thing has naturally fallen to Seth, not really on purpose, but because it's his strength and my weakness.  We're a team and we play to our strengths, right?

But that's cheating, according to Dr. S, and we have to learn to share responsibility and share the fun.  So last week, after our class on Time In, our homework was to practice our Time In technique.  Mommy isn't used to not doing well on her homework, so I was determined to make this work!  Thus began my first foray into the world of Time In. 

J was playing with Transformers and I started to play with him.  He didn't like what I was doing, so he switched Transformers with me.  I hate Transformers, passionately, so I was sort of at a loss for what to do or say.  "Golly what a nifty Transformer, and gee, how deliciously violent this game is" somehow seemed terribly inadequate.  I was tense and fairly miserable.  "Grr!" I said.  "My guy is attacking your guy!"  "No he's not," J said, "My guy has a shield and he blocked your guy! Take that! Kablam! Kablam!"  I stifled the urge to remind J that we don't like him making shooting sounds.  "Um, well, then my guy has shields too and um, your weapons can't penetrate them!"  "No, your guy doesn't have shields, and now I shot him," J countered.  This wasn't going well. 

"Gosh, J, this is a really neat Transformer!  Can you show me how to make him back into the sports car??"  Whoops!  The Time In Purist would be tapping the table to remind me that I'd just broken the cardinal rule of Time In... not only had I asked a question, but I'd redirected the play.  Fortunately, it didn't backfire this time.  "Oh yeah, look at this, Eema!  It is SO cool!  You do it like this, and you move that around, and then you..."

 I gradually became more comfortable playing with him, and we chased each other around the living room.  I became a giant transformer-eating monster, waving my arms about and stomping my feet in Frankenstein-like movements toward him. 

And then it happened.  I finally experienced the true moment of Zen Parenting:

J jumped up onto the couch, bounced over onto the chair, jumped to the automan, bounced back over to the couch and climbed onto the back of the couch and declared himself the winner (winner of what?  I'm not really sure).  J knows that my absolute most non-negotiable rule in the living room is that he may not climb up on the furniture and bounce around on it as if it is a playground.  He knows it is a sure-fire way to test what kind of mood I'm in.  But just as I was about to remind him to get off the couch, I remembered that would be against the rules.  Not only did I not have to reprimand him right then and there, I wasn't allowed to.  He wasn't in immediate danger, the cat wasn't about to be set on fire, it was time to just let this one go. 

In that moment I felt like all my tension just went out of my body and I was free.  Finally I could just let J be J.  I could just be with him and see the world from his perspective - perched upon the back of the couch, and you know what?  It looked really nifty from up there.  I understood what drove him to be up there, for just a moment.  For that moment I didn't have to be the mean old mom who has all these rules.  I got to be the cool mom who overlooked that relatively minor infraction in the grand scheme of things.  And then?  The giant transformer-eating monster scooped in, picked him up off the back of the couch, tickled him, and wrestled him down to the floor, giggling madly, with nary a reprimand to be heard.  Mission accomplished.  No arguments.  No fighting.  No pushbacks.  And without missing even a second of quality time with my son.

Since then, I've made it a point to spend time differently with J, even when it isn't specifically Time In time.  I try to be more animated while I'm talking with him, I let him lead the discussions more, I respond to the things that he's saying and I try not to just say, "uh huh" when he's talking about something I couldn't care less about (like transformers).  Even if I'm feeding the babies and he's standing there talking to me, I can still make him feel like he's got a few minutes, or even seconds, of my absolute, undivided attention.  And it's making all the difference in the world.

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Comments
journeytoernie From: journeytoernie Date: November 16th, 2008 01:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
i can't imagine how you make time for each of 4 kids to get individual time. you're amazing!

i have the issue with my boys that both of them are so close in age that they fight for attention. i try to do something similar to time in with levi and asher starts whining for attention. then later i try to do something with asher and levi starts...for example...setting the cat on fire.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: November 16th, 2008 02:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
right now, with the triplets, they're young enough that even 5 minutes a day is sufficient. J is our focus for the moment, but we are trying also to be in the habit of giving individual focus to each of the babies regularly as well.

15-30 minutes a day per child is the IDEAL, but there's a recognition that we don't all live in an ideal world. And parents can rotate this responsibility as well. So perhaps one night Seth takes J and I take Sam and the next night Seth takes Ellie and I take Abby and the next night Seth takes Sam and I take J and so on (we're not that methodical - I'm talking in the future ideal world).

Other ways to give individual attention when you have a large family (again these aren't things we're doing yet...our kids are too young... but they're things we are thinking about doing)- take ONE child with you to the grocery, leaving the others home with your spouse. On the way home, stop for an ice cream cone and talk about anything your child wants to talk about while you're munching away. Rotate children for this outing. Plan one evening a month that is devoted to each child and they get to pick the activity. This makes sure every kid knows they have a "special night" they can look forward to every month. Give every child a "special job" that they have that helps Mommy (Eema), so that they feel like they are doing something really important that helps support the family in an important way. Etc.

Even if you can't find 15-30 minutes every day for each child, you can usually find 5-10 minutes in a day for each child. And every little bit helps. My pediatrician even advocates sticking the other child in front of the TV for those 15 minutes just so you can have those 15 minutes of one-on-one time with the other child, because it's THAT important. If you make sure that both children understand that they will BOTH get that individual time together, and structure it so that it's always fair, you'll find over time that there won't be fighting about it.
journeytoernie From: journeytoernie Date: November 16th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
i will have to try that. it gets so frustrating.

usually i try and have levi/mommy time on mon while asher is in school. then asher/mommy time on fri while levi is in school/daycare
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: November 16th, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's perfect. Every little bit helps.
fheyd From: fheyd Date: November 16th, 2008 10:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
First off, you obviously just rock! Next a bit of psychology because that's what i've been playing with lately. Most theories of psychology break the mind down into three parts. Different philosophies call them different things but here it's easier to flow with the parent, adult and child labels for them. As a psychologically healthy grow-up, as i understand it you spend most of your time in the adult portion of your mind, shifting over to the other to parts as needed. It's just in your nature not to be comfortable over in the child part. That's groovy, some folks just aren't. Me, i tend to hang over there way too much apparently, but i digress. You've recognized that moving over to the child part is something you need to do to connect with J, even though it's particularly challenging for you and at least initially makes you uncomfortable, and that's a great first step. That you actually took that step is absolutely, completely fantabulous!!! Most people don't bother taking themselves out of their comfort zone for any reason. That you as a parent have done this for your child is tremendous. This will do such much not only to help with his ADHD but also emotional and psychological development in general. There are so many things that children need from their parents at his age that if they don't get now they just don't get. This will help make him a better person in the long run, and later on he's gonna see that ;)
You just rock!
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: November 16th, 2008 11:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I'm way too embedded in the parent/adult parts these days. I don't know how that happened, but it's SO not okay!
From: lcmlc Date: November 17th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Your explanation of Time In and your doctor's methodology was very interesting and informative. Relaxing and enjoying his/her childhood with each one of your children is one of the undocumented features of parenthood - you get a chance to be a kid again and there's no one who tells *you* to grow up. Enjoy. You'll learn a lot from J. I know that I did from each of my kids.
From: atimesif Date: November 18th, 2008 02:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, how I love reading your journal entries. They are so inspiring and filled with humor. I really should try this Time In - it sounds great. I usually do 'quality time' but it comes along with its questions, education, etc. like you tend to do too. Thanks for the post!
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