?

Log in

entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
Unimaginable - Karen's Musings
Random Rambling
estherchaya
estherchaya
Unimaginable
My nanny, M, is the best nanny I could ask for. I'm sure there are nannies out there with more years of experience or more twin/triplet experience or whatnot, but there isn't anyone else in the world who would love my children as much as she does. Every night when she leaves, she looks sorry to go. Every morning when she arrives, she says, "Good morning, Sammy, I missed you! Good morning, Ellie, I missed you! Good morning Abby, I missed you, too!"

On Monday mornings she comes into their room and eagerly picks them up and asks, "So what did I miss? What are they doing that's new?"

She never asks me for anything, ever, but she was so excited when I bought her some children's books in French (her native language) and eagerly said that yes, she would love to have more if I ordered more. She loves to read to the babies, she holds them all day long - never putting them down except to play. She enjoys their milestones as much as we do.

People are surprised that I hired someone who didn't have previous twin/triplet experience, but I realized when I hired her that I didn't have any triplet experience before I had my triplets, but I figured it out, right? She clearly loved babies and children and that's what mattered to me. I'm glad THAT was my priority when I hired her, because she has turned out to be perfect.

M is from Senegal, but was born and raised in Paris. Her father and one brother is still in Paris. Another brother is in Italy and yet another brother is in Spain. Until recently, she was living nearby sharing an apartment with her sister. But about three weeks ago, her sister got married and moved to Canada to be with her new husband, leaving M alone here. On Tuesday, I suggested to M that if she'd like to, she could have the week of Passover off and she said that she didn't want to take the time off because she would be bored by herself. I asked if she had any friends in the area and she said not many. "My sister is my best friend and she moved away."

So I suggested that she go see her sister that week. M said she would think about it, and would get back to me. No problem, I said. Seth and I both have that week off and though Seth will be out of town for part of the week, I can handle it - she should go see her sister if she can. M was still hesitant but she said she would speak with her sister and let me know. Apparently she spoke with her sister on Wednesday and they thought maybe her sister would come down here to visit M that week, but they would talk about it more on Friday (today).

M never got to have that talk with her sister today because her sister was in a fatal car accident yesterday. She died last night and M got the news of her death this morning. I was already on my way home when I heard the news, so I got home as quickly as I could (no sense having another accident). M is absolutely shattered, as you can imagine. They are moving her sister to Senegal tomorrow, and I told her we'd help her go, but she says she doesn't want to go. "I don't want to see that. She was my only friend. I can't see that." She says she'll be back on Monday. "The babies are the only thing that will make me feel better. I want to be here with them." She went home today to go pray for her sister. I hope that she'll change her mind about going to Senegal to be with her family - she has no one here at all and her sister was her whole world.

I don't even know her sister's name, which seems odd to me, but I realize I haven't known M that long - only about two and a half months - yet I love her so much because she loves my babies like her own (but not in a creepy way). And now she's hurting more than I can possibly imagine and I can't do anything for her other than pray, I suppose. M's sister's husband is still in a coma. I'm honestly not certain whether it would be more tragic for him to wake up and find his wife gone, or for him to never wake up, so I will simply pray for the RIGHT outcome for him, whatever that may be.

I have the best nanny in the world, and now she is suffering unimaginable pain. I wish there were something I could do for her.

Tags: ,

39 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
tigerbright From: tigerbright Date: April 4th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, poor M. Condolences to her and her family.
suburban_mom From: suburban_mom Date: April 4th, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh no. I don't even know what to say except to send you, your family and most certainly your nanny and her family great big mental HUGS. It's always a tradgedy when someone passes on, but it feels even moreso when the death was sudden and unexpected like that. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 12:54 am (UTC) (Link)
it's pretty horrible. Poor M has had a lot of loss in her life. She lost her eldest sister in 1995 and her mom in 2000. Now her only remaining sister is gone. She still has three brothers, but they are scattered - one still in Paris with her father, one in Italy and one in Spain. I can't imagine how she's making it through, honestly.
pocketnaomi From: pocketnaomi Date: April 4th, 2008 04:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's awful. I'm so sorry for her loss.

real_bethy From: real_bethy Date: April 4th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my goodness! Baruch Dayan HaEmet.

What a tragedy! I can't even begin to imagine what M is feeling and how you and Seth are feeling. I pray that you two have the strength to love her through this, and I hope that she can find some comfort through HaShem...although nothing in the world can take that pain away.

I will keep M in my teffillos.
mindycl From: mindycl Date: April 4th, 2008 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
that is so so sad. poor M.
kalki From: kalki Date: April 4th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow, that really is tragic. I'm so sorry for your and her loss.
mrn613 From: mrn613 Date: April 4th, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
What a tragedy! Just as an FYI, it is possible that your nanny, although she came here legally, has overstayed a visa and thus is unable to leave the country (no trip to Canada). Also, 'death in the family' is usually the way nannies quit, so by telling you she is coming in monday, she is indicating that her sister really did die. Lastly, in other countries sisters may be a foster sister/cousin and a cousin is often a landsman.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 4th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
her visa is still valid; she just went to Canada last month to be at her sister's wedding. Her sister is truly her biological sister. Her parents had six kids. Her mother passed away I think in 2000 from breast cancer, and her eldest sister died in 1995 (I just found that out today). M is the only daughter remaining.

It turns out that Muslim women aren't allowed to go to funerals, which is part of why she's not going to Senegal. Truth be told, I never even knew she was Muslim until today, though I suppose I could have figured it out if I'd thought about it hard enough.

I went down to see her with the babies this afternoon to make sure she was okay and she was so happy to see the babies. She was feeling much calmer; sad still, of course, but calm. Her sister had actually gotten married a little over a month ago, not 3 weeks like I'd thought, and had just found out she was pregnant, which was her life's dream. M was happy that she got to hear that happy news before she died, even though she never got to realize the joy of parenthood.
mrn613 From: mrn613 Date: April 4th, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow, she was pregnant? incredibly sad.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 4th, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
yeah, horrible
From: have_inner_lady Date: April 4th, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Loving your babies probably gives her hope that goodness is still in the world. All you can do is let her have her choice.

She sounds like a woman of great goodness and heart. I am glad she is around for you, and hope that her isolation will encourage her to find other people to be close to.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 01:25 am (UTC) (Link)
She's amazing. I went down to see her yesterday afternoon and she was just so happy to see the babies. Her sister is in Senegal now and the funeral is tomorrow. She said that Muslim women can't attend funerals anyway, so even if she went, she wouldn't be able to go, so it makes more sense to me now... Her father is going to come here after everything there is done. I talked to her tonight and she sounds calm and peaceful. Sad, yes, but peaceful.

She IS a woman of great goodness and heart. I don't know how we were so lucky to have found her, but I'm so glad we did. We're going to try to introduce her to some of the other nannies in the neighborhood, some of whom live locally, and one of whom is also a Muslim woman with a similar background, so at least she'll have people to talk to during the day if she goes and meets them at the park (and our kids are just two weeks older than the baby this other nanny watches, so we knew they'd end up playmates eventually anyway, so it's a good start).
gingy From: gingy Date: April 4th, 2008 06:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
How very sad and awful for her.
jeannegrrl From: jeannegrrl Date: April 4th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh how awful! My prayers are with her and you.
magid From: magid Date: April 4th, 2008 06:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
How awful. My condolences to her, and may your wonderful children bring her comfort.
either_or From: either_or Date: April 4th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh, no! as i was reading this, i was thinking that you were going to say she was moving to be with her family and, while that would have been sad, it would've been a bittersweet ending. this is just so terrible. she sounds like a sweet angel and i imagine her sister was just as wonderful. what a horrible thing to happen. i am glad she has you and your babies to comfort her.
introducingyael From: introducingyael Date: April 4th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
OH no, what a terible thing to happen to such a lovely person!
ichur72 From: ichur72 Date: April 4th, 2008 07:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am so, so sorry. There are no words for such a thing.

One of Walt's best friends went through a very similar thing recently -- he and his wife and 1-year-old daughter were riding in a car that was hit by another driver. Walt's friend survived, though he was in a coma for a few days. His wife and daughter died and were buried before he regained consciousness. I cannot even begin to imagine ...
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 01:38 am (UTC) (Link)
OMG. How horrible.
indigodove From: indigodove Date: April 4th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I am so sorry. I will pray for her too.
farfalla_dolce From: farfalla_dolce Date: April 4th, 2008 09:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am so sorry for your nanny. What a terribly hard thing to have to deal with. She is in my thoughts and prayers.
cellio From: cellio Date: April 4th, 2008 10:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, how awful! I'm glad your family can be there for her -- she's not completely alone.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC) (Link)
true enough.
fheyd From: fheyd Date: April 4th, 2008 10:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's absolutely dreadful. My heart goes out to her. I have to think she was brought into your and your family's life when she was so have you guys during this. It really does sound like your children bring her great joy. At least there's some modicum of comfort in that.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I think she WAS brought to us for a reason. We originally hired someone else who totally flaked on us and then we hired M... She wasn't my "second best", it had literally just been a coin toss between the two original candidates. When the first girl flaked on me, I called M and she was miraculously still available and she was SO happy that I called her and so excited.

I have been so grateful every single day for that first girl flaking on us... I know that she flaked on us so that we would be able to have M in our lives, so now I appreciate the stress and anxiety that it caused back when it happened.

I saw M yesterday afternoon; I brought the babies down to her apartment to check on her. She was overjoyed to see the babies so I'm glad we went.
hopeness From: hopeness Date: April 5th, 2008 12:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I am so sorry for your nanny but very happy that she has you and the babies to bring her some peace during this very hard time.
hap_e From: hap_e Date: April 5th, 2008 01:08 am (UTC) (Link)
oh, God!
What a tragedy . . . . .
I hope God will help her to find strength and power to go through all these events.
rquintilian From: rquintilian Date: April 5th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC) (Link)
My prayers are with M and with your family also.
ouiserboudreaux From: ouiserboudreaux Date: April 5th, 2008 04:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh my gosh. How horribly sad.

Could you find out if there is any special cultural way to honor her passing with M when she is ready? Or a donation you could make in her honor?
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, it turns out M is Muslim, which I didn't know, though I had thought she might be. We've talked a little about some of the customs, but I'm sure we'll talk more. I've been thinking about what the most appropriate donation to make would be - if she'd been sick, obviously that would make finding an organization easier, but this was sudden, of course. I might just ask M if her sister would have wanted the donation to go to any particular organization.
cleobatya From: cleobatya Date: April 5th, 2008 11:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
im so sorry to hear that. did you ever consider hiring her as a live in nanny? maybe she feels lonely and needs some feeling of family...and maybe it would help you.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't even know if that's something she would want, she's got her own space with her own stuff and such. Even if she did want that... right now we haven't got the space for it. When the babies were born, we turned the office into the nursery and the guest room into the office/guest room. Until we find the money to finish our attic into a real second floor, we can't do it.
journeytoernie From: journeytoernie Date: April 6th, 2008 09:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow. i wish there was something i could suggest you do. is there anyway she could move in with you? or not really?
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 6th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
There isn't really, but honestly - I'm not sure she'd want to. She's got her own space and she's told me before that the only roommate she's ever had or wanted was her sister. I don't know that she'd want to move in with a family of six - that would make for a rather complicated life. Right now, though, it's not an option anyway; we just don't have the space for it. (but the thought DID cross my mind, that's for sure!)
journeytoernie From: journeytoernie Date: April 7th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC) (Link)
you said family of six and i was like "who has a family of six?" that's a big family! i guess it never occurred to me before!

i dont even know where senegal is!
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: April 7th, 2008 01:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Senegal is in West Africa.
And yeah, I now have a family of six. Go figure!
journeytoernie From: journeytoernie Date: April 8th, 2008 12:13 am (UTC) (Link)
amazing! six!
mabfan From: mabfan Date: April 7th, 2008 04:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
We were saddened to read about this tragedy this morning. Our condolences.
39 comments or Leave a comment