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disgusted - Karen's Musings
Random Rambling
estherchaya
estherchaya
disgusted
I just read something on an online foster/adoption forum that just pisses me off. I do so hope I'm interpreting it the wrong way.
We have adopted three Jewish children (identical twins and a single) all with special needs. They are our "virtual triplets" as they are all 3 years old now. (Ironically, the children were all IVF pregnancies, by the way.)

I encourage anyone interested in adopting to consider a child with special needs.


Now it took me a while to figure this out. This woman adopted three Jewish children. Got it. I understand that part. The three Jewish children were conceived through IVF. Got it. Wait. No, that doesn't make any sense. If you've gone through the trouble of IVF... and by trouble I mean emotional rollercoasters, hormone injections, time off work for the actual procedure, uncertainty, hope, pregnancy, not to mention about $15-30K on average... why, oh WHY would someone give the children up??

Oh. Right.
I missed that part: "Special Needs"

This infuriates me. You go through all that trouble to have a baby. You spend ALL that money to have a baby. You dedicate yourself to the rollercoaster that is fertility treatment. For what? To say, "Oh, I'm sorry, that baby isn't good enough, please take her away" in the end????

Now I do realize that maybe after all that someone just doesn't feel like they CAN take care of a special needs baby. But ... WTF?? Under most circumstances, most people I know who have a normal, non-assisted pregnancy would not give up their baby if it turned out to be "special needs" when it's born. But if you enter into fertility treatment as extensive and invasive as IVF, I would THINK that you'd be prepared (indeed, thrilled!) to have any pregnancy. Seriously. I'm not saying I'm strong enough to go out there looking for a special needs baby to adopt. I'm not. But if Hashem blessed me with pregnancy tomorrow and my child was born with a disability of any sort, I would do everything in my power for that child. Just as I would for any other child in my care.

*argh* I think I'm going to be ill.

Tags:
Current Mood: infuriated furious!

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Comments
either_or From: either_or Date: March 16th, 2005 09:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
i think you're reading it correctly. that sucks.

all i can think of, in defense of the biological parents, is that maybe they're "older parents" (which might explain the need for IVF) and they didn't think they would live long enough to care for their children (some special needs people need care their whole lives).

i think though, if i were in that situation, i would just make sure that other people in my family (my younger sisters, for example) were willing and able to help me out.
cellio From: cellio Date: March 16th, 2005 10:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Suppose you didn't have younger relatives. Or suppose your relatives were SOBs who said "your kid, your problem"? Or suppose there were already family members (kids or adults) who had special needs and were sucking up all available resources?

I'm not saying that people never do things for selfish reasons; I'm just not willing to assume that it's always that way.
either_or From: either_or Date: March 16th, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

uh...

i never said that these people were selfish, or even that they did this for selfish reasons.

if anything, and if this was the case (who really knows?), it shows that they were at least looking ahead to the future.
cellio From: cellio Date: March 16th, 2005 10:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: uh...

I'm sorry; I wasn't trying to put words into your mouth.

if anything, and if this was the case (who really knows?), it shows that they were at least looking ahead to the future.

I agree -- sometimes what is best for the child is heart-breaking for the parent.
either_or From: either_or Date: March 16th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: uh...

it's okay.

i agree entirely.
jeannegrrl From: jeannegrrl Date: March 16th, 2005 10:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
*shakes head* that's just not right... but at least they didn't choose to abort.... :-(
eyelid From: eyelid Date: March 16th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've chosen to abort.
jeannegrrl From: jeannegrrl Date: March 17th, 2005 03:41 am (UTC) (Link)
And that was certainly your choice to make.

My comment was inspired by my agreement/understanding of the frustration expressed with this statement:

You go through all that trouble to have a baby. You spend ALL that money to have a baby. You dedicate yourself to the rollercoaster that is fertility treatment. For what? To say, "Oh, I'm sorry, that baby isn't good enough, please take her away" in the end????
cellio From: cellio Date: March 16th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure that some people turn over handicapped kids for adoption because they're selfish, but I also know that some do it with great sadness because they have exhausted their own resources (financial, emotional, family) in trying to care for the child. Being forced into that is especially upsetting for parents who worked so hard to have a child in the first place, I would think.

Or are you seeing enough of this sort of thing to believe otherwise? I wouldn't generalize too much from these two data points.
From: cecerose Date: March 16th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, that's disgusting. No two ways about it. I don't know what some people are thinking when they make these kind of choices.
eyelid From: eyelid Date: March 16th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
To be honest I am not certain that I would want to keep a special needs child. I think it would be better if I gave it up, for all concerned.

I think it's weird to consider that "selfishness." It's better to keep and raise a child you don't want? What kind of freak world is that?

I don't think having gone through IVF makes a difference when you're talking about whether or not to keep a special needs child. But then I've never gone through it.
(Deleted comment)
ginamariewade From: ginamariewade Date: March 17th, 2005 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Evidently, you've never heard of infanticide and infant exposure.
That's how people dealt with "special needs" infants for generations.
eyelid From: eyelid Date: March 17th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Give it up to what? Endless foster homes?
I'd give it up for adoption, not fostering.

People have been learning to live with and love children that did not arrive according to our exact plans and specifications for generations now. So that would be the "freak world" that most of us are living in.

...piously says the woman who has absolutely NO special needs children. It's easy to tell others what they should do when you'll never have to do it, isn't it?

Nothing amuses me more than the easy manner with which every body settles the abundance of those who have a great deal less than themselves.
(Deleted comment)
eyelid From: eyelid Date: March 17th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Special needs children often cannot be adopted. You would very likely put that child in foster care for years.
Yes - because people like you won't open their homes to a special needs child :) Only your mouth opens.

For all the big talk on this thread about how special needs kids are great, no one here appears to actually be caring for one.


Why will I never have a special needs kid? It seems quite possible that I will.
I'll believe it when I see it. Unless you mean because your bio children will inherit autism.


When I related this conversation to my mother, she said "don't tell me this. I don't want to know that such sick people exist."
The fact that your mother doesn't approve of my realism fails to crush me. I imagine my mother would find many of your views sick as well. I doubt that will make you change your views.


My brother is autistic.
My sympathies.
ichur72 From: ichur72 Date: March 16th, 2005 10:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't get this either.

Reminds me for some reason -- I once saw a post on a pregnancy bulletin board from a woman who said she planned to undergo fertility treatments even though there was nothing unusual about her female parts simply because she wanted to have three children but was determined to make them triplets since it would incovenience her career plans to spread them out. I've been scratching my head over that one ever since.
ginamariewade From: ginamariewade Date: March 17th, 2005 02:28 am (UTC) (Link)
I can believe it. Some people are really bizarre about kids and give up easily.

Some people go through great expense and trouble to adopt kids from halfway around the world, and then dump the kids on the state welfare system when they don't turn out to be perfect and perfectly grateful for having been adopted.

From: lola100 Date: March 17th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Dan es kol haadam lekaf zechus"

I agree with you - I could NEVER imagine giving up any of my children. No matter what the situation. But there is alway the possibility of circumstances which you are not aware of.
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