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what the hell is attachment parenting? Aren't most parents attached… - Karen's Musings
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estherchaya
estherchaya
what the hell is attachment parenting? Aren't most parents attached to their kids?
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mscongeniality From: mscongeniality Date: February 15th, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
...

Is velcro or glue involved somewhere here?
kitsunebeast From: kitsunebeast Date: February 15th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Attachment parenting is a parenting philosophy that is currently much with the trendy. Any parenting book by Dr. William Sears will be based on this theory. It involves almost continual contact between primary caregiver and child through "babywearing" in a sling or snugli or whatever, co-sleeping, and atending to your child's needs immediately. The idea is that by giving your child so much contact & support, they are more confident later in life.

See also:
http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/ap2.asp
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: February 15th, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the answer. I appreciate it. Everytime I asked people I got snarky answers.
From: have_inner_lady Date: February 15th, 2005 07:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
My understanding in six words is: It's healthy to like your kid.

The corrollary philosophy that has not yet been developed is attachment doing, which is greatly needed by parents of children who think slings and bjorns etc are awful. These parents require attachments so that they can still do things (like put on shoes and wash bottles) while using their arms to carry their child and refer constantly to the multi-volume instructional books.

Ultimately, Julian has such a confident and caring disposition already that I can't imagine you needing any advice. That little guy is making a bee line for his own healthy way of being.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: February 15th, 2005 07:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Honestly, I wasn't exactly considering it. And certainly not for Julian. Julian gets lots of positive attention and lots of affection. I'm not worried about his development in the least. That's not to say I don't need advice. There are plenty of times that I DO need advice.

What I'm not liking is this tendency people seem to have to say, "If you're not co-sleeping with your child you are a bad parent" or "if you don't breastfeed, you are harming your child."

The truth is every child has different needs, but every parent also has different needs. I think most people have to find their own way in parenting. There is no ONE manual/method that will make it all work.
kitsunebeast From: kitsunebeast Date: February 16th, 2005 05:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
[this is my reply from have_inner_lady's journal, but it seemed to apply here too. Sorry for the rambling].

I think any group can get dogmatic about it's beliefs -- lots of people are fundementally insecure, and if you don't believe what *I* believe, than maybe my way isn't really the right one. SO I better convince you that my way is right, and surround myself by like-minded people so we can re-affirm each other (and tear down anyone who dares say different).

If you've been attacked for choices you made or that were made for you, that's crappy and probably due to the fundemental insecurities of the person needing to tear you down. You've obviously done a GREAT job, and it shows because you have such a great kid (though some credit for that gets to go to the great kid, too).

I read a LOT of parenting books. Some for work before I got pregnant, and more once I knew I had a kid along the way. I like seeing a variety of ideas, and I like having helpful things to pass onto women in shelter who are having to reclaim their status as a parent and drop dicipline they may have been using previously (It simply doesn't work to say "Hitting is wrong, what the abuser did is wrong, and that's why we left" to a child, and then spank them when they do something out of line. Kids have excellant bullshit detectors. Lots of mom's are having to learn something new, as spanking is the only means they thought they had. They also have generally being so busy seeing to the abuser's needs that they have forgotten how to see to their child's needs).

I think for some people, following the guidlines laid out for them in a parenting book is great. If they are really feeling lost they have someone who ostensibly knows something about children telling them what to do. And if they need to read, "carry your child in a sling for at least three hours a day" and then do so, and by doing so come to know their kid a bit more, more power to 'em. This isn't to say that I'm pro any dogma, but I really think some people need them. This doesn't mean they don't care about their kids, it just means they need someone to hold their hand and walk them through the paces.

At the same time, I'm really against proseletizing and attacking anyone who doesn't adhere to the Dogma of the Moment.

I will say this: If you don't care about your kid and aren't trying to do your best for your family (which includes doing best by you), you are harming your kid. Families are all different, and have different needs.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: February 17th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
I really don't have any issues whatsoever with attachment parenting. Or most parenting techniques for that matter. Like you, I read a LOT of parenting books (though apparently I missed Dr. Sears' book). I'm not all about attachment parenting for me, particularly given that we didn't get Julian until he was 14 months old and he's most likely a temporary, not permanent, addition to our family. But I don't have any issues with whatever someone else wants to do.

What I don't like is being told that by NOT doing the attachment parenting thing, I'm HARMING my child, predestining them to a lower IQ, less emotional stability, and lower incomes.

As for having a great kid... none of that credit goes to us. We've only had him for 3 or 4 months. He gets all the credit!
eyelid From: eyelid Date: February 15th, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's healthy to like your kid.
Actually, I think it's more along the lines of "it's unhealthy (if not downright evil) for you to not be in physical contact with your kid 24/7."

I like my kid, but I don't attachment parent. He's still healthy.

An interesting side effect of attachment parenting is that children end up having delayed development of skills because they never have to do anything themselves; their parents wait on them hand and foot.

What annoys me about attachment parenting is that it's intolerent of any other parenting schemes. If you talk to people who are APing, they will call you an abusive parent if, for example, you put your child in a crib at night.
From: gittygiggles Date: February 16th, 2005 12:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
exactly!!! well said! i'm tired of being called an evil abusive parent for letting my child cry it out and sleep alone...
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: February 17th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh my gosh! You let your child cry it out??? You fiend, you!
From: gittygiggles Date: February 18th, 2005 11:40 am (UTC) (Link)
i know...b/c i'm an EEEEEEEEEEEVIL MOTHER!
ginamariewade From: ginamariewade Date: February 15th, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
To add onto what the previous person said, it is based on the theories of Dr. John Bowlby, who did the famous studies of baby monkeys. He took baby rhesus monkeys away from their mamas and put them in cages with a wire frame monkey that gave milk, and a fake fur covered monkey that did not give milk. The baby monkeys would cling to the fake fur monkey and only went to the wire frame in order to eat, thereby proving his theory that babies need and crave physical touch. He had some interesting things to say about baby humans as well.
estherchaya From: estherchaya Date: February 17th, 2005 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Interesting. Thanks for the info.
eyelid From: eyelid Date: February 15th, 2005 07:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would add to the above explanations that, in my experience, APers are also militant. You know how some people are rude if they find out you had anesthetic for labor? And how others will call you a child abuser if you don't breastfeed?

APers are often like that. If you don't co-sleep, you're a monster. If your child is allowed to cry for 5 minutes, you have warped them for life. You stopped breastfeeding before a year? You sorry excuse for a woman.

attachedparents
ichur72 From: ichur72 Date: February 15th, 2005 09:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can't help but agree with you. There are some things about attachment parenting that I find intriguing. There are others I find kinda icky. But my experience with pregnancy/childrearing discussion groups suggests that if you don't subscribe to every single detail of the philosophy/technique/whatever (and even if you don't subscribe to the prevailing political ethos of the groups), you get called *EVIL* and *CRUEL* and *STUPID*. Uh, no thank you.
eyelid From: eyelid Date: February 16th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, parenting forums in general are like that. I don't know what's up with people that they are so wound up.

Pregnancy forums can be like that too. "You ate SUSHI??? Your child will be born with one toe and ten heads and it is ALL YOUR FAULT!! Why not just run over your stomach with a wheat thresher while you're at it!!!"
ichur72 From: ichur72 Date: February 16th, 2005 12:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't get it either. One thing that has been irking me lately is posts from people claiming that you can't call yourself a responsible person if you ever take any kind of medication during pregnancy.
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